Healing Body Image, Diet Culture, and the Shadow of Control

For several years, I thought I’d worked through my body story. But I hadn’t.

I knew I had some wounding, but I kept putting it in a separate box, compartmentalized. I’d done enough work on food and self-image to believe it wasn’t the main issue anymore. I thought, “Yes, I have stuff there. But it’s not the thing.”

Turns out, it is the thing.

And I’m finally ready to say it out loud.

The Messaging I Grew Up With

I grew up hearing the repetitive chatter of you shouldn't eat this, you need to lose that, your top is too low, that's too much skin, you need to be pretty, you need to cover up. It was a world of contradictions:

• Your body needs to be smaller, but don’t show it off.

• If you’re fat, cover up. If you’re thin, don’t flaunt it.

• If you eat that, your body won’t be worthy.

• Be modest. Be beautiful. Be desirable, but not too desirable.

• Sex is sacred, but only within marriage. Pregnancy before marriage is shameful. But if it happens, adoption is righteous, just don’t expect us to talk about it without judgment.

• Men can show their bodies and own their desires. Women need to cover up and monitor.

• A man’s desire is natural. A woman has to manage it.

• If you’re a woman with a body, you are dangerous and held responsible.

I don’t say this as a dramatic retelling of my upbringing. I say it as someone who was raised in the beauty culture, and also in a church culture that sent these messages implicitly and explicitly. Often with good intentions, but sticky and even damaging long-term effects.

And in the purity culture, there’s only one way to survive as a girl with a body:

Hide it. Or control it.

Add in the third layer of being a feminine body in my family, the first and only daughter and sister with four older brothers.

These contradictions weren’t just confusing, they were a form of programming. A subtle and persistent system of control designed to keep girls polished, performative, quiet, and, for me – unseen. We were taught to regulate ourselves so others wouldn’t have to. To dim our essence when appropriate. To question our instincts. To feel that any expression of our femininity was risky, potentially shameful, or possibly selfish. It’s a setup that conditions you to internalize shame (or blame) and to distrust yourself and your own body. I know this because I am this.

The only response that felt remotely safe for me was to rebel, disconnect, and dissociate.

My Personal Rebellion

I didn’t rebel by being promiscuous. That didn’t feel safe. I had a friend whose sister was excommunicated from her church as a means to isolate and shame her back into a controlled environment. That wasn't for me.

Instead I rebelled with food and size. I knew I couldn’t be outspoken or defiant, not with my words. But I could eat what I wanted, ignore my body, the scale, and how I felt physically and emotionally. It was my preference to numb out. I could reject every diet suggestion in solidarity with myself and in passive resistance.

I didn’t say, Keep your rules off my body. But I felt it. And I lived it.

Eating and being overweight was a way I could rebel and stay safe at the same time. It let me opt out of being sexualized while still maintaining a form of power. It was the rebellion I was comfortable with and could get away with. It was my way of saying: “I’ll give you no other choice but to love me this way.”

In a world of boys it didn’t feel safe to be flirtatious or overtly feminine. It was safe to eat, to layer, and to hide behind my walls. That’s what I was doing, and have still been doing for four decades. Silently pushing back against the rules with every bite.

Before the Wounding

I was three years old at Sears, standing in front of a mirror with my mom when I told her I didn’t like how my legs looked in pants. I only wanted to wear dresses. I didn’t have the language for body shame but something already felt off, even at such a young age and without the influence (yet) of the world around me. That moment wasn’t about style. It was about disconnection and self rejection. Something in me already sensed I wasn’t “right” the way I was.

Before I was shaped by purity culture or diet rules, and before anyone taught me to perform or shrink, my body knew this essence. My soul knew too.

This work isn’t just about healing the external messages. It’s about going back to that little girl and telling her: you were never the problem. It’s about breaking ancestral patterns, reparenting the part of me that internalized shame before she could name it, and listening to the earliest wisdom my body tried to speak.

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The Shadow Revealed

The thing about shadows is they’re the parts of us we can’t quite see. The parts we hide in to stay safe. And they stay hidden from us too, until we have the courage to shine light on them.

For me, the shadow sounded like:

• Your worth is tied to what your body looks like.

• You are not safe if you’re physically exposed.

• You can’t be both beautiful and safe.

• You can’t be free in your feminine body.

This shadow kept me in a loop of rebellion, control, and attempted perfectionism with myself and my body. Hiding and performing. Feeling too much and not enough. And even when I thought I had “moved on” from it, I hadn’t truly integrated any of it.

I knew my body needed energetic healing, but I didn’t understand it was the core wound. I kept separating it from my abundance, my love, my marriage, my purpose.

I thought it was just one piece of the puzzle. Turns out, it is the foundational puzzle to all the others.

I was aware that my body story held weight. I even knew I was called to address it spiritually and energetically. But I didn’t understand it was the thing. The wound underneath all the others. The one secretly running the show. The one I kept avoiding because it felt too layered, too old, too hard.

So I boxed it up. And I separated it from the rest of my life, treating it like it had nothing to do with my visibility, my purpose, my intimacy, or my capacity to be seen and received.

But if I don’t feel safe in my body, how could I ever feel safe being seen and received?

Healing Body Image And Diet Culture: Escaping the Performative Trap

My journey of healing body image and diet culture is no longer about finding the perfect system, it’s about rejecting the entire game. The control. The performance. The constant measuring up.

I’ve done all the diets:

Weight Watchers. Atkins. Isagenix.

I’ve run marathons. I’ve done spin. CrossFit.

I’ve tracked. Restrained. Restricted.

Sometimes, I was wildly “successful.” Sometimes I felt truly seen in my body for the first time, which was monumental for someone who had chosen to hide from the world.

But I wasn’t safe to be seen in that successful body because I hadn’t addressed the deep layers of my being and my childhood wound. Being noticed meant being visible. And embodied visibility has never felt safe for me.

I was taught to be pretty, but not sexy.

Desirable, but not provocative.

Admired, but not fantasized about.

And when that’s the standard, there’s no version of your body that’s actually acceptable and safe. I was stuck in a continuous cycle of performative or shameful contradiction.

My inner child wanted to be seen, but she didn’t feel safe once she was. Being overweight became a shield. A coping mechanism. A way to not be different from my family and the world while avoiding the pressure to meet the expectations.

My Personal Energetics

Kevin has been my greatest teacher in learning to accept my body as it is. His love, acceptance and admiration of my body has softened something in me. But this is still ongoing. I’ve lingered in body neutrality for years, learning to meet myself in the in-between. Not quite love. Not quite rejection. Just being aware, of not only my body, but my thoughts and energy around food too.

Here’s my big truth. I’m not meant to micromanage my food or my body. That’s not my path.

I’m not here to perform.

I’m not here to control.

I’m not here to perfect, and neither is my body.

I’m here to trust.

I’m here to align.

I’m here to listen, play, find joy, and return to myself.

And that includes my relationship with food.

For me, food has been many things: a way to connect to my body, a way to rebel, and a way to physically and emotionally numb out and escape.

But now I’m letting it become what it was always meant to be:

Nourishment.

Pleasure.

Creative expression.

No more control.

Just sacred, aligned embodiment and connection.

The Beginning, Not the Middle

This isn’t a post from the middle or even the end of a journey. This is the beginning.

I’m sharing now, not because it’s all healed or buttoned up, but because I want to be witnessed as I do the work. I’ve hidden in my body shadow long enough. I want to be vulnerable and honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. I want to share this while the fire is still warm and before hindsight polishes it into something tidy.

And I invite you to come with me.

As I reclaim my body.

As I reconnect to my essence.

As I rewire the stories that have kept me small and hidden.

I’m doing this by actively rewiring the old story, through journaling, guided unblocking work, intentional body connection, and energetic support. I’m working with flower remedies, a custom essential oil blend created by a friend, and my own inner guidance. I’m not weighing myself, not counting calories, and not tracking. I’m feeling. I’m softening. I’m listening and I’m aligning. This process is less about a quick fix and more about deeply layered healing. It may be slow. It may be fast. But it will be sacred.

This isn’t about the next diet or wellness trend. This is an entirely different approach. It’s not about the food I cut out or the plan I follow. It’s about trusting my body again, and letting her speak while I finally listen and connect.

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The Mantra To My Body

I am returning home to my body.

She is not a project to fix.

She is not here to be managed.

She is not here to be measured or shamed.

She is sacred.

She is trustworthy.

She is mine.

I am safe in my body, even when I am exposed.

I am safe to be comfortable with my nakedness.

I am safe to be seen in my body. .

I am safe to be feminine, sensual, and beautiful.

My worth is not dependent on my size.

I do not shrink to be seen.

I do not prove to be valued.

I am whole as I am

I came here to light the way for myself and for others.

This is my sacred work.

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PS - Your reflections matter here.

If something stirred you, moved you, challenged you, or felt familiar, we would love for you to share in the comments. This space is safe for all in our sphere and community.

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If this post resonated with you, I invite you to read A Letter to My Body: from Loathing to Lovie. An honest, heartfelt turning point in my journey. It was one of the first moments I stopped waging war against myself and began the slow work of making peace. If you’ve ever felt at odds with your reflection or disconnected from your body’s wisdom, this letter might speak to something deep inside you too.

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This is just the beginning. Portal to Self is currently in the works. A space devoted to self awareness, deep healing, embodiment, and energetic alignment. If you want to walk this path with me, join the list here to stay connected.