How to Support Your Partner’s Growth Without Trying to Fix or Control Them

We were sitting at the table, candles lit, scallops perfectly seared, a simple Wednesday night turned sacred once again.

It wasn’t anything loud or dramatic, just a subtle energy I could feel coming off him. His voice, his presence, the way he was choosing his words, and what he was sharing in the conversation.

And I remember thinking, he’s growing.

Not in a vague or aspirational way, but In a real, tangible, I feel this in my being kind of way.

I looked at him and said, “I really see you stepping into these new parts of yourself.”

And he said, “You’re so right.”

That exchange stayed with me.

Because something about that moment at the table made me think of all the other times I’ve seen his higher self, when maybe he wasn’t quite there yet. All the times I wanted to guide or fix. And all the times I’ve had to remind myself:

His growth is his.

I’m here to hold space for it, witness it, pray for it, and speak life into what I see.

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The Difference Between Supporting Your Partner’s Growth and Trying to Manage It

When you love someone deeply, and you see who they are at their core (even when they can’t fully see it yet) there’s a temptation to guide or to coach. To say: “I see it so clearly, why can’t you just see it too?”

But growth doesn’t work like that.

Not real growth. Not soul growth.

And definitely not the type of growth that love calls forward.

The deeper I get into partnership, the more I realize: my role is to witness, not direct.

To hold the vision, not the reins.

To hold space, not the outcome.

And in truth, that’s what supporting your partner’s growth really looks like.

But, let’s do honest. Holding space is often the most uncomfortable part.

It means staying present through the in-between.

The not-quite-there-yet.

The almost.

And the becoming.

It requires trust.

Stillness.

And a sacred kind of presence and patience.

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The Mamas Reminded Me

After a disagreement one night a while back, I wrote to the mamas, my mom and Kevin’s mom, both of whom have passed. Sometimes I write to them when I’m needing that maternal kind of support. That night, they met me in their usual way: simple, very clear, and full of love.

“Your sole responsibility with your husband is to believe in the man he’s becoming. You know who he is. You know who you chose to marry. But it’s not yours to make happen. That’s his journey. Yours is to witness it, pray for it, and hold space for the path he’s walking.”

Not to fix it.

Not to manage it.

Pray.

Believe.

Hold space.

And trust.

We All Just Want to Be Trusted

Here’s the part I keep coming back to:

Not many of us want someone telling us what to do, and when to do it. So why do we put that on the people we love?

Growth has a timeline. And none of us get to control it, not even when we think we “know better.” That's actually when we need to takes the softest pause.

Some nights at the table, something’s off. He’s short. Or I’m triggered. The conversation turns. We disconnect.

That happens. That’s real life.

But then there are nights, like that Wednesday, when I see it, and I see him.

Not just the man I married.

The man he’s becoming.

And I name it and breathe life into it.

Because that acknowledgment matters.

I think we forget how powerful our words can be. Especially in partnership. When you notice growth and say it out loud, you give it fuel.

Maybe It’s like this: Only you can get your own plane off the runway. But once you’re in the air, someone else’s encouragement can be the fuel that keeps you flying.

That’s what acknowledgment is.

It’s not the engine.

But it is the wind.

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Whose Business Are You In?

I once read a line in Byron Katie’s Loving What Is that stuck with me. She says there are three kinds of business:

• God’s business – hurricanes, wildfires, politics, death. The big-picture unfolding.

• Other people’s business – their timing, their choices, their energy, their path.

• Your business – your inner world. Your responses. Your integrity. Your growth.

And she writes: “Whenever you’re mentally out of your own business, focusing on God‘s business or other people’s business, you’re out of alignment.”

When I read that, it hit me:

So often, we’re trying to manage someone else’s timeline because it’s easier than looking at our own. We tell ourselves, “They’re the reason I’m stuck,” when maybe, we’re just afraid to move ourselves forward into our own growth process.

But here’s the thing:

The moment I step back into my own business – my breath, my body, and my part in the story – peace always returns.

And from that space, I can actually love.

Not fix. Not control.

Just love.

What Love Really Looks Like

Loving someone deeply means you will see their becoming before they do. That’s the sacred act of partnership. Standing for and seeing each other‘s highest self.

But that doesn’t mean you’re meant to shape it.

Your real power isn’t in telling them who they could be. It’s in being the person who believes in it, even when they can’t see it yet.

And that belief?

It creates a field, and a frequency.

And when they do catch up to it, your words – the ones you thought, the ones you prayed, and the ones you maybe only said once – will feel like home.

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Maybe Tonight, You Just Witness

There’s a fine line in sacred partnership. Sometimes, yes, you call each other forward. Sometimes you name what needs to be said, even when it’s hard. And that, too, is love.

But more often than not, what we need isn’t a push.

It’s a presence.

A holding.

A deep knowing that says:

I see you.

I trust you.

I believe in who you're becoming.

So if you’re walking with someone you love right now, whether it’s a partner, a friend, or even a child, and you’re aching for them to “get there,” maybe the invitation is to return to your own space. Your own breath. And your own business.

And from there, love them.

See them.

Believe in them.

Support them.

And breathe life into them.

And when the moment comes, when they show you their growth, even in a small flicker, name it.

Let it land.

Let it rise.

Because the truth is, love can’t be controlled. But it can be trusted.

And sometimes, the greatest gift we offer is the quiet, unwavering presence of someone who believes in us, and says so.

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